The powers inside of me have dramatically increased since my last post. This beard—it seems to have reality bending abilities that mankind weren’t meant to wield. It can only be a testament to my character as a human being, that the great bearded deity, Foliclesius, bestowed me with such regal chin ornamentation.

This soft, robin’s nest of chin canopy has taken roots within me. They’ve stretched towards my cerebral cortex. I’ve developed a complex understanding of the fine intricacies of all things jazz. My blood type is now “beatnik” positive. My heart beat follows a 4/4 measure. I can hear the fine groove of a bass guitar in my pulse.

My magic has also grown exponentially. I’ve gained the ability to cast spells without even speaking. It’s as if the immeasurable will of my chin simply manifests itself as reality. Hallowed be thy chin, thine will be done. This morning I stepped into the shower, and the water instinctively parted around my body, unexpectedly creating a rainbow in the sheen of my beard’s grace. It was magnificent.

In all honesty, I’ve reached a level of mammalian awesomeness that had previously only been achievable by the grizzliest of bears. Trees bend down to marvel at my foliage. The clouds envy my fluff. I’ve become the one true king of “Chincinnati.”

In the end, it’s safe to say that No-Shave November was a success. I’ve become the king of all that is swarthy! I’m going to go back to a fresh face again (edit: I’ve already shaven that pubic hair around my bottom lip) but I’m certain I’ll return for another NSN in 2020!!! Merry Chin-mas, and to all a goodnight!

“My damn face itched for the whole month.” — Jae Davis