Once again, I find myself laying on my back, staring through the fog of darkness at my ceiling. I’m absolutely garbage at sleeping. Anyways, I just got the totally random idea to make a list of the top 10 most horrible things I can remember an exe saying to me, but as the memory flood gates burst open, I started remembering things that women I never “truly” dated also said to me. So let’s just combine them! Why the fuck not?

10. “If you looked like that, I’d never take my hands off of you.”

We were in Walmart. She was looking in the grocery cart while I picked up a Men’s Fitness magazine and started analyzing the godlike specimen on the black and white cover. I looked at her, pointing at the magazine, saying that I wanted to focus my future work outs to get jacked like the nameless cover model. And then she proceeded to tell me how in my current state, I’m only authorized having her hands on me for short, previously scheduled sessions. But if I found a way to pop out of my cocoon and become a six pack having butterfly, with a side of pecs sauce, she’d become a permanent skin graft on me. Nice motivational methodology, girlfriend.

9. “I can’t believe your brother look better than you.”

Okay…first off…”rude.” I was in 10th damn grade and my brother was a whole college student at the time. She never even met his ass. A girl that did have a crush on me was working the cash register at Bi-Lo and saw us together, and then went back to chat with her ratchet ass friend about seeing me over the weekend. And to make the whole thing worse…I had a crush on this witch…and she apparently reciprocated the feeling! So she waits until 2 years have passed…and calls me up during a college gathering to tell me that I wasted her time by not dating her. What kind of stuff is that? I still remember your gross ass MySpace name, Ms. Miller!!!

8. “You have a beard that I wouldn’t mind sitting on.”

Okay, so normally that would be seen as a naughty compliment (with a dash of sexual harassment) and in a way, I suppose it could be, but let me set up the premise. She and a few coworkers were playing that horrible game “Marry, Fuck, Kill,” and she started naming her picks out of the few guys that worked there. After she married, fucked, and killed her way through the first three guys…she looked at me and told me I was only good for beard service. Well shit. At least I didn’t get killed…but at that time…shit…I was thinking I’ll just load the gun myself…lol.

7. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if the cheaters van pulled up right now?”

What the fuck? I was single, in Olive Garden, with a girl wearing a Reese’s Pieces T-shirt with no bra underneath. In my head, I knew what it was, and how it was gonna become what it was bout to be. But, after she finished her salmon and broccoli, she said that shit…lol. Normally, I would’ve been mad that the situation occurred, but she was kinda handsy…opted for an extended goodnight kiss…and texted me filth for nearly 3 months following. Today she is married to that guy she was apparently dating at that time. They have like three kids. I’m glad I didn’t mess that up for them. They look happy and affluent.

6. “Marvin’s daughters love me.”

I still laugh about this one. I told the girl that I wasn’t going to let her be around my nibbling because she used a derogatory word that I deemed offensive. Her reaction was to tell me that her exes daughters didn’t see anything wrong with the things that come out of her mouth and that THEY know how to appreciate her. Umm…okay. Weaponize the children of your exe…let’s see how beneficial that is for you.

5. “I wish I could stab you in the stomach and slowly pull the knife out so I can watch you bleed out.”

Well, shit. Murder? Babe, really? Her friend accused me of TALKING TO ANOTHER GIRL and although that girl was the daughter of my land lord as well as my classmate, that was enough to get death threats. I’ll never do a long distance relationship again.

4. “You are musket.”

Hahahaha…this is still funny to me. This happened in 5th grade, so I think it’s okay to use names here. I and my friends, Tim and Andrew, used to purposely misuse our weekly spelling words based off of how they sound. It was dumb, but also very clever at times. After I told Andrew that he was wearing “REMNANTS” which actually worked, grammatically, he told me that I was “MUSKET.” At that time, our classmate, Kyete, turned and looked at me and said, “yeah, you are musket!” SHE WASN’T EVEN PART OF THE DAMN GAME AND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THE RULES. She was just being mean. I put on deodorant! Or…I wasn’t a “turn of the century projectile weapon”—Whichever makes more sense to the argument she was trying to make!

3. “You stand like a duck.”

What the hell does that even mean, mean ass? I stood weird. Sheesh. My toes would point outwards towards the East and West if I was standing still. I assume it looks similar to how ballerinas might stand when they aren’t on their toes. I don’t know. Out of all the words on this list, this one stuck with me the longest. I’m still overly conscious of how I stand and walk now. Hateful grape headed ass girl!

2. “I had a crush on you until I saw your ears.”

Til this day, I still have no idea what’s wrong with my ears! They are regular! They don’t stand out at all. What the hell, Whitney Belton!? What do you mean?!

1. “I love you, but my exe just finished basic training.”

I’d like to think this particular girl for wasting my damn time by introducing me to her entire family and friend circle, mingling with my both my father and mother, walking me into Kay Jewelers in the Mall in Rock Hill to buy her a ring, and insisting that I post her on my Facebook page…2 months before her exe got back from his basic training. It was a very efficient waste of time. I did, however, get to meet the first black quarterback for USC, though. That was pretty okay.

Life is strange. When it gives you lemons, you’re better off squeezing that juice into your eyes so you go temporarily blind so you aren’t forced to see these beautiful women cutting into your soul…lol. Just kidding. Eat the rind and absorb that fiber and vitamin c!