Well the sun is finally setting on another Wednesday. This one felt just a bit cooler than the others, however, for this Wednesday was special. Today was the day that everyone gave gifts in order to appease demon of the winter solstice, Santa Malum Claus.

My mythology may be a little rusty, but if I’m not mistaken, this deity breaks into your home looking for sources of sucrose, dextrose, maltodextrose, and other forms of “azucar,” all while contemplating on whether the youth of the home have been naughty or nice. Ring a demon, he chooses to follow the smell of ember, iron, and sulfur, so he typically ops to use the chimney. Legend states that if the child has been naughty, he pulls and stretches their ears and enslaves them in a far-away land of barren frozen plains. However, if they have been nice, the parents must shower them with gifts and bobbles or risk the same fate. It’s all rather barbaric and wild, but Hallmark makes a killing off of it.

I suppose this tradition is a lot better than the old one, though. The old ways would have us feasting, getting drunk, and making rough love to men against evergreen trees. Old Man Kringle supposedly gets off on that. That may be a fun Friday for some of us, but I think I’ll stick to the cookies and wrapped gifts, myself. But to each his own, I suppose.

But however you chose to spend this Wednesday, I personally hope you were able to have peace within your household. Children, family, and friends can sometimes get in the way of that, but here’s hoping that they all kept their fat ass mouths shut and let you relax. Merry Wednesday, friends.

“It’s one thing to have a red nose, but it’s a completely different situation to have a nose that can light up the sky bright enough to guide a magic flying sleigh around the whole world. More investigating is definitely necessary!” — Jae Davis