I think I’m falling. I feel myself slipping into the dark place. I’m losing myself amongst a crowd of false identities and clay faces…and I honestly don’t think I know how to stop it. Where is the ground?

I’m sad. Everything feels like it’s breaking my heart, even things I enjoy. The blue jay sitting on the fence holding a twig in its mouth looks so peaceful and gorgeous. I’m falling for it. The sheer simplicity of its beautiful nothingness makes me smile. It’s so Tao in a way. It isn’t sitting there for me. It isn’t sitting there because it has to. It’s simply sitting, because it is. There’s no motive beyond just being in that moment. I’m in love with the nature of its unnecessary causality. I want that for myself. But part of me feels like I’m so far removed from it—like I don’t belong—like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m a constant outlier in a sea of consistency

Is this depression? I don’t understand it. I’m here, right? I’m integral to the system, correct? I help provide balance, maybe? Why do I feel so out of place…every…fucking…where? Every word I share, every mannerism I commit to, every singular glance from me is hyper calculated to keep them from seeing how I badly I know I don’t belong here. I’m so uncomfortable.

How does one overcome this? Am I in the wrong place? Have I just not found my tribe? Where the hell do I belong? And why am I being a bitch about it all of a sudden? When the fuck did I become lonely?

Good grief!