Dear Bored People,

Yesterday I decided to go back to work. The amoebas in my body are still beating the hell out of me, but money needs to be made if I intend to survive in this capitalistic society. Plus, the Sunday shift was only a few hours, so I didn’t have to worry about working a full day.

When I got to work I immediately slapped the life out of three coworkers. I felt it was important to establish that I didn’t feel good in the most subtle manner imaginable. Stepping over their bodies I made my way to the bull pen for the daily briefing. We’re in the middle of our yearly inventory right now, so these briefings take place at the beginning and end of the day.

After a few passive aggressive remarks from the HPIC, we were dismissed into groups and sent to various areas of the warehouses for counting. I was blended into a group with the recurring characters, Penelopee Ridgeway and Agatha Monroe. A few “newish” characters were placed in the scene too, Sarafina Pasweetie, Anila Sinclair, and Keith O’Dirty.

In an unexpected twist, Agatha wasn’t her typical, lemon faced self. She kept her negativity down to the low, low level of 30%. And her eyebrows barely moved at all. Botox, maybe? Lidocaine facial cream? Soul left at home On the dresser? What’s her secret? Whatever it is, it was working for her and she was quite pleasant to be around.

Penelopee, however, was not the quill-pen-written, sonnet inspired Nicholas Sparks character, I once described her as, today (See the post, IN FAIR VERONA). In truth, I feel like that first post may have given her too much credit. But hey, i suppose that’s how character development works. They should either be better or worse by the time we reach a conclusion. At this point it’s safe to say that although she may have that pink layer of starry eyed, pixie dust-covered pleasance within her, her outer, most prominent layer is more akin to a dusty onion that someone wrote sophomoric graffiti all over. It’s graffiti similar to what you’d find on the stalls at a truck stop bathroom. Wait, is that hateful? I’m sick and my grandmother recently passed, so I get a pass if it is. Today she was quite successful at getting under my skin, though. While working, she insisted on playing obnoxiously crude music that made 66.7% of the people in the room uncomfortable. She was constantly “short” with me in conversation. And I feel like everything about her was dialed up to a volume that was pretty unpleasant, almost banshee-like. However, it should be noted that I’m sick, so she might not have been different at all today. My level of tolerance for her shenanigans could be a tad lower than usual. It COULD be.

Sarafina Pasweetie is exactly as her name implies. She’s just sweet. I’ve come to see her as an ambient character. I don’t think she’ll ever take center stage in these stories. She exists just to make the area a bit more bearable. She cracks little jokes every now and then. She gives out candy. And she always has something nice to say, whether it’s super hot or super cold. The script most likely told her to arbitrarily pick up things and put them back down in the background. She played the part perfectly.

Anila, now that is a character I need more info about. She’s this bubbly, super talkative, over friendly person, that I can’t help but believe has this room in her home she doesn’t allow people in. Maybe the room is red? Maybe it’s a dungeon? I don’t know, but it’s off limits as hell. I’ve reached this conclusion after a few, more than strange exchanges we’ve had together. Now keep in mind, I know absolutely nothing about her besides what I’ve actually stated in the second sentence of this paragraph. But when she speaks to me, it’s hard not to wonder if her words carry heavily decrypted innuendo within them. For instance, one random day she asked me if I had ever considered becoming a team lead. I attempted to explain to her that I had only been on the job a little over a month longer than she had, but that didn’t matter. She replied with, “I’d be interested to see what you could do if you were in charge.” Ummm…okay. And then another time, while she was telling me about some comics her exe had left behind, I asked her how much she’d consider selling them to me for and her reply was, “maybe you could trade me something of yours.” Ummm…okay. And then Sunday, there was about a 4 minute window where we were alone in the room together and out of nowhere, “I’m not doing any shopping for the holidays because I have no one at home to shop for.” Ummm…damn…okay. I was cool with the 3 minutes of silence that proceeded that statement, but okay. Is this stuff ambiguously sexual, or just misinterpreted banter? You decide.

Finally, Keith O’Dirty. He’s a lot like the character Maximillian Briggs (See the post, GENESIS), but without all the overtly homosexual tendencies. For some reason, our conversations are always nothing more than Q&A sessions about random women. And that sums up his presence in the workplace for the day. We were supposed to be counting, but instead he wanted to talk about a woman I had never met before. It was actually therapeutic for me in a way. I enjoy finding reasons to lie to my coworkers on a daily basis about inconsequential things, so expressing my heterosexual attraction about a woman I’ve never even looked at gave me something to keep my mind busy. I honestly don’t know who he was talking about.

So with that cast of wacky characters I was able to kill a half day worth of time. So I guess it wasn’t all bad.

Now the remainder of the week will be 11 hour work days for me, so don’t expect these epic character driven stories. Plus I’m sick. But just hold tight and enjoy whatever poop I am able to push out onto the site.

Oh…and in the spirit of honesty…I didn’t actually slap out 3 coworkers. The morning was mostly me telling people that I was still sick and to not touch me.

Disclaimer : This is a post about real events. However names are fake as hell. The description of all events and incidents are slightly altered by the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events should be considered purposeful and hilarious as fuck.