First, I must apologize. I’ve been a bit under the weather lately and my absence has been felt in the digital space-way. I’m sick. I hate to admit it, but the great germ nation has successfully infiltrated my closed system and has begun boasting their numbers. Everyday, I wake up fully intent on writing something, but the bacterial colony in the back of my throat seems to have other plans for me. At this very moment, their extending their hold towards my uvula and celebrating their conquest with a well deserved, mucus-laden orgy. And the refreshments are, apparently, on me.

Well, while their busy paying honor to their pagan god, Amoebus, they have no idea that a scout from my personal guard of antibiotics is hiding in the taste buds, cataloguing their every sticky move, from a distance. I call him Rikimaru. He’s good at his job. Damn good. I called on him and his followers before when the bacteria attempted to shut down my lungs last year. I know his team will give me equally good results this time around. I’ve sent in 3 platoons with him so far. Their gathering in my stomach…waiting to flank the bacterium through a coordinated attack extending from my blood stream to my esophageal lining. The invading army will never see them coming. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of their numbers have already been culled. I imagine my guys moving in on one of the bacteria, quickly dismantling their armor, exposing their gelatinous organelles for the final strike, the “tenchu.”

I have the utmost confidence that within the next few days, my urine will be riddled with the bodies of dead, sexed-out germs, covered in my own personal saline solution. At that point I’ll be able to write without the putrid distraction of my sick-man breath or yellow creamed nostrils dripping all over my hands as I type. When the last of their bodies is scattered across the concave porcelain tomb, I’ll be ready to write.

Just give me another day or two though. Please? I’m going to try to go back to work tomorrow, so I can get some more blog-fodder for you guys.

Oh, and “tenchu” is Japanese for “devine punishment.” It’s a reference that’s not for everyone.

Disclaimer : This is a post about real events. However names are fake as hell. The description of all events and incidents are slightly altered by the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events should be considered purposeful and hilarious as fuck.