Thanks to the 45th president of these conjoined states, the government was pretty much closed today. However, as a member of the cadre, I found myself in an office, eager to sweat for those fifty stars and thirteen stripes.
Today was a training day. I, and a few of the other elite members of the company’s power team, gathered into the grand hall of the logistics building for a day full of learning and development. We watched modules and clicked through PowerPoints, all the stuff you’d expect at a high end training facility for the best of the best. It was a pretty terrible day.
Every little thing we did was pretty inconsequential and stupid, to say the least. As a reminder, my main job is the facilitation and recovery of training gear. With that said, the government felt it was necessary to sit 23 of us in front of slides concerning the transmission of hepatitis, handling of blood and body fluids in the workplace, and proper fire extinguisher safety. And if an asinine itinerary wasn’t enough, I also had the pleasure of sitting ass to ass with people I’ve never met before and listening to them breathe through their mouths for hours. I now understand how psychopaths are created.
Today was rather pointless in its own right. I mean, what grown person thinks it’s safe to drink blood from an open wound? I feel that by the time you reach adulthood, you should have learned and accepted three essential truths: don’t eat poop, don’t drink pee, and don’t drink human blood. I thought this was elementary. But Uncle Sam felt it was necessary to not only make us hear about that for multiple hours, but we also needed to learn that fire was bad.
We were forced to sit through little animated cartoons of people dying in fiery accidents, today. I believe they were designed to teach us things like pumping oxygen into a pipe, where an acetylene torch is being used, might not be the best idea. This was our learning and development. I’m 32, and my job thinks I don’t understand how fire works. I almost wish they were correct so I could have a viable excuse for using said fire on my coworkers.
Tatianna Kay sat beside me, breathing up all my air, like I wasn’t trying to use it. “It’s cool Mrs. Goode, I don’t require oxygen or anything. I’ll just sip on this carbon dioxide you’re forcing out of your mouth and nostrils. Thanks.”
Penelopee sat behind me, existing for some reason. She stayed on her phone during the time she wasn’t snoring against the back of my neck. I guess I can appreciate the unmitigated gall and intestinal fortitude of someone showing up to training and sleeping the whole time. She has moxie. Her presence was felt, albeit unnecessary.
And Agatha, well, she didn’t even show up. The one day her negativity would’ve been enjoyable, she chose to stay home and charge her eyebrows. I assume maintaining that hateful demeanor of hers takes a lot of power. I can understand needing a full day to reach maximum moodiness.
The rest of the crowd was peppered with a bunch of unmentionables also. I didn’t care enough to learn their names, but I did deem it necessary to document that I hated them. No real reason, just thought they were basically grape jelly stains on a pristine white crew neck T-shirt. And I love a pristine white crew neck T-shirt.
Anyways, that was my day. I’m starting to realize that my job might not be as interesting as I once thought it to be. Sorry for wasting your time.
Disclaimer : This is a post about real events. However names are fake as hell. The description of all events and incidents are slightly altered by the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events should be considered purposeful and hilarious as fuck.