I’ve started and stopped this whole journey into The Thought Renaissance a handful of times already. It’s undergone plenty of construction to make it what it is today. It was originally called the 1 Point Perspective, where I’d give my thoughts on random shit dealing with current events. It later changed to the The Number 2 Umbrella. That ended up just being a poor attempt at word play. It was going to be a blog dealing with everything art related such as visual, written, and performance art. Then it became this shit.

Needless to say, the wife couldn’t give 3.5 fucks about any of its iterations. So in the spirit of inclusion, here are 5 things that piss me off about the love of my life…lol. Sleeping on the couch whenever she decides to visit the site!

She’s Always Touching My Shit!

Dear Beautiful Soul Mate. Please keep your soft, dainty, almost angel-like fingers away from my shit. You threw away a bottle of $14 shaving gel the other day and I still wanna pull my face off, expose my skull, and blow fire at you, Mortal Kombat style. You’re lucky Shao Khan didn’t scream out Finish Her.

Her Feet Are Always Cold!

Hey Butternut (I totally call her a squash…lol), how about keeping your polar bear ass extremities to yourself, huh? Yeah…I know I’m warm. But that temperature is mine! Didn’t you read the paragraph above? Stop touching my shit! My warmth is mine!

She Ate All The Cinnamon Rolls…Sniffle.

So suicide totally became an option when you and our little one killed the last five buttercream iced cinnamon rolls. Yeah, I totally love you. But those cinnamon rolls and I were about to make sweet love and you took that from me.

She Has a Higher Gamer Score on Skyrim

Babe. What the actual fuck? I’ve played Skyrim on everyone system except Nintendo and you’ve managed to surpass me on Xbox. Just take my Xbox. Take my eyes as well. I don’t even want them if I can’t experience the game without you knowing how to complete every quest step when I reach it.

She Likes Beauty and the Beast More than She Should

Candy Wife (I also call her this. It’s an allusion to this show The Misadventures of Flap Jack, but I know you don’t care about that), Beauty and the Beast is a terrible ass film. The whole movie is about Stockholm Syndrome. A beautiful teenager is kidnapped by a hairy dude and locked in his home to be his plaything. She falls in love with him and beats the ass of the jock that had a crush on her. It’s a tell as old as time indeed! She drank tea from a child!

So anyways, I have no fear that I’ll get in trouble for this post, because as the title states, my wife doesn’t fuck with this blog. But you know who should? Your buddies!!! Go out and share this post to everyone you know. Spread it like chicken pox! I want everyone in the world to develop the digital shingles in 20 years from exposure to this site. Thanks my little virus cultures! Thanks!

You Know What Really Crunches My Cogs? — Me (On Some Other Posts)