So yesterday was a dick in a deep freezer to say the least. I absolutely did not enjoy it. When I started The Thought Renaissance, I was a corporate guy in the rat race of carpet lined cubicles and clean restrooms. I was living on easy street. The fountains had attachments for filling water bottles. There was a friendly guy that always spoke to me in the restroom. And pens were free.
Thinks changed around 2 months ago when I accepted a job offer to be a bitch for the US Government. Being a bitch wasn’t that bad at first. The pay is good. The bennies are better. “Bennies” is high speed talk for benefits. “High Speed,” is military talk for cool shit. “Is” is the third person singular present of “be.” But shit, yesterday made all of that a little less worth it.
Yesterday morning, the man in charge decided to wear his dick around his neck in a Windsor knot and threaten everyone’s job for no apparent reason. It was quite the display.
The following story is a detailed account of the event.
“The nature of our job is to make sure we provide the active duty personnel with prompt service with a bright, All-American smile. They are the life blood of this great American nation.” Employee of the Month stood proudly above his coworkers, bestowing his knowledge onto them like milk from a mother unicorn’s breast. “You can always use me as a resource, team. I’m here for you.”
Suddenly a wailing, echoing, almost bitch-like noise rang out from behind him. Not thirty feet away stood a small balding golem of a man with his hands on his hips, calling for attention. Employee of the Month turned and promptly gleamed into the black, lifeless eyes of his superior.
“I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m extremely quick to assume shit,” said the superior. “You guys are making me sick, even though I hardly ever come around and don’t recognize any of you, including those I just hired three weeks ago. Get your shit together and spread your piss apart.”
Employee of the Month knew the tyrannical rant made no sense at all, but as the hero he always was, he quickly leapt into action. He engaged his superior in hand to hand combat. His muscles ripped out of his business casual T-shirt. Each blow he threw created gale force winds in the warehouse, blowing over boxes and pallets. His executive style fitted baseball cap blew to the ground. He ignored it as he expertly Bruce Lee’d on his enemy.
When the dust cleared, there was only Employee of the Month, smiling with his hat and shirt on as if he had never entered the fray. His team applauded his efforts, begging him to take them under his wing. Being the humble guy he is, he turned them away. “You guys are already great. Don’t be like me. Be better. The sun suddenly fell from the sky and the moon exploded into a shower of star dust and the birds started swimming and the fish started running and all other manner of cool shit also occurred, highlighting Employee of the Month’s splendor in expected levels.
In the end, that’s just one more day closer to the weekend where SZA is waiting for us. So bring it on Wednesday.
With great power, comes great responsibility. — Uncle Ben Parker