Waiting for Absolutely Nothing

I took this photo during a lunch break last week. I sat in front of the empty bus stop for about forty minutes, until I finally decided to snap the pic. It’s not very good. I used my cell phone, because I didn’t have my camera.

I’ve been wanting to shoot a bus stop for weeks, but the timing never allowed it. And when I finally snapped one, it was a little bit of a let down. I’m starting to feel discouraged again.

In this pursuit of happiness, I’ve come across more than my fair share of obstacles. But I can honestly say, I’m legit, unhappy. I don’t think I’m sad, I’m just not happy. I wake up every hour on the hour at night. My appetite has been low and slow. I’ve been forcing my little brother and sister to stay up every night and watch movies with me. I’m struggling.

Is this my baseline? Like is the default setting on my life, leveled at brooding and unrelenting gloom? I’ll have these peaks of enjoyment, but the moment I blink, it’s back to this bullshit. What do I do? What is it that I’m searching for? What’s at the end of this grayed out rainbow? I really hope the answer isn’t “nothing.” Damn that would be a colossal letdown.

Do I have an actual purpose? Am I here for a reason other than representing the outcome of my parents’ fleeting adoration for each other? What the fuck should I be doing? Because writing this while sitting on the floor of my office can’t be it.

I can’t focus long enough to figure this out. Ugh

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