I’m having a really bad week. I know it’s just Tuesday, but seeing how my Monday turned out, I have low expectations for the rest of the week. It’s probably my own fault. I opted out of doing one of my trademark “Affirmation for the Week” posts, so by basing everything off of the aptly named “Jamale Assumptive,” it’s safe to assume that by not granting myself positive affirmations for the week, I’ve unwillingly allowed negativity to seep into my life. So in hopes of changing my luck, I’m writing a bullshit affirmation to clear up the remainder of the week. Hopefully, it’s enough to keep the demons at bay.

First of all, fuck Chad. “Chad” is a placeholder name for any and every person, place, thing, and idea that’s causing you anguish. We all have a “Chad” right now, and he can eat a bag of dicks boiled in milk. “Chad” isn’t helping. “Chad” is a hindrance in every meaning of the word. “Chad” is stopping you from being happy. “Chad” is keeping you from the things you know you need to be doing. Fuck “Chad,” bro.

Secondly, drink some water. Put the tequila fruit smoothie down and purify yourself with some good old-fashion, American-made water. I’ve seen your skin. You need some water.

Finally, quit crying. All you’re doing is letting your eyes piss down your face and into your beard and mouth. It’s not a good look. Nothing is worth your Gotdamn tears! So keep them inside those fucking pink glands hiding inside your eyelids.

You’re going to make it. I guarantee it. This week just surprised you. You didn’t expect it to be hiding behind the trash cans, wearing an inspector gadget coat with no clothes underneath, waiting for the opportunity to jump out and stab you in the ankle, but it did. It got the drop on you. It caught you slipping. It happens to the best of us. Just rub some dirt in it and get back into the game. Bring home that trophy.