I hate talking to people. It’s the one thing I consider to be an absolute chore. It’s the spring cleaning of human interaction. Every time someone speaks to me, it’s my cue to pick up a toilet brush, and scrub the commode of social obligation and speak back. “Yeah, good morning.” (Toilet Flushes)

I recently found myself exchanging words with a coworker of mine that I don’t particularly enjoy talking with. She can be a bit much at times. She’s the type that you’d invite to a tea party, only for her to complain that you aren’t serving Do-Hong Pao…but she’d be doing so over the phone, because she never bothered to come in the first place. She’s a Coach bag that you don’t mind sitting on the warehouse floor, if that makes sense.

Anyways, during the exchange, we somehow got on the subject of our personal lives. This was a mistake on my part. I typically make it a point to lie to her at every opportunity, but I found myself, curious about her mindset, in that moment of weakness. Any other day, I’m an ex-firefighter with gambling debts I owe to the Chinese mob who makes me pay them in my ultra rare plasma because it contains vibranium. But that day, I was just a coworker.

Most of the conversation can be fast forwarded through but it eventually boiled down to her saying she had no regrets in life—none. I wanted to immediately walk away from her, but the southern gentlemen in me kept me planted in place. I was shocked, appalled, upset, taken back, and any other synonym you can imagine that would fit this particular moment. I just didn’t know how to respond. It was like someone disproved the Pathagorean Theorem in front of me using legos and crayons. I was disheveled. I just couldn’t comprehend it.

For someone to spend nearly 50 years of their life on this planet without making any moves they wish they could redo is either a sign of the greatest life ever lived, or the biggest lie ever told. Either way, I’ve been doing something wrong. To have such a level of conviction in your own choices, that you wouldn’t alter any part of your path if it were made possible, is nothing short of godlike. Jae has regrets. Jae has plenty of them.

I broke my little brother’s Hot Wheels Attack Pack Slime-Inator in 1996 and that shit haunted me for over a decade. I regretted that action so much, that I found that damn toy on eBay in 2014 and purchased the hell out of it and sent it to him.

Hell, I regret stuff I did in the 3rd grade. I regret shit i did a few minutes before writing this post. (I could’ve just washed my hands…lol.) I regret a whole lot! To know that there is someone sitting on a pile of guilded ivory with a king tusk up their ass, while I trample through the ash piles that are my decisions, is unsettling. How do I reach that level? How do I make moves without second guessing them? Or….or maybe…how do I just stop giving a fuck? Say fuck her and them decisions…lol? Yeah, that sounds about right. Ahhhh….I feel better already.