Well, it’s that time of year again. It’s the time we openly allow the poltergeist, demons, and “It’s” of the world to roam freely through our neighborhood streets, begging for handouts by threatening us with pranks. Ahh…what a wonderful time of year. This is the only day your Instagram will be flooded with photos, equal parts Nickelodeon and Pornhub. Revel in it.
Today’s post is dedicated to wishing all you girls and guys and option c’s out there a very safe holiday. The world has shown itself to be a bit scarier than goblins and witches lately, so from everyone here at The Thought Renaissance, here are a few pieces of advice to follow.
1. Stay together with people you know and trust.
A lot of crazy shit can go down in an instant, so make sure you keep your buddies close. If you’re walking the streets tonight, stay in packs. Jason always wins because these people try to fight him one on one.
2. Be aware of where the fuck you are!
Pay attention to what’s happening around you. I understand that your ass is having fun and you’re laughing and choking on M&M’s and soda pop, but do not lose track of what’s happening around you. People are fucking crazy and your inept ass can look like an easy target.
3. Don’t trust everything in that bag.
Crystal meth will rot your fucking teeth out and have you fighting cops outside of a Waffle House–a relatively clean Waffle House–the worst kind. Sweet Tarts aren’t naturally shaped like stars, bitch. Throw that shit away.
4. Don’t do stupid shit.
If you’re grown enough to read and understand this blog, keep your ass away from teenage parties! And leave the eggs at the house. And keep your ass out of Walmart. And brush your teeth. And if you vandalize one goddamn thing….
5. Check in with someone.
Let someone know where you are going tonight! It doesn’t have to be your best friend or mother. Just close down this browser real quick and open your contacts. Now just pick any rando in your phone book and text them what your plans are. And if those plans change, text that too. Halloween is the third most dangerous holiday in America, so it’s good to have someone who knows your itinerary for the evening. If your ass ends up kidnapped and sacrificed by some seven year olds dressed as the Power Rangers, at least we know where they lured you from.
We joke a lot here at The Thought Renaissance, but one thing that we don’t consider a laughing matter, is safety. So if you have to run with those scissors, or smoke near that gas pump, or make toast in that bath, just make sure you’re doing so responsibly. We need you guys. We need you alive and well. We need your clicks on these pages so we can make money from these ads so we can keep these goddamn lights on. Don’t be selfish. Be responsible.
“F” is for friends that do things together. — Spongebob Squarepants