The Utter Irrelevance of Charles Darwin

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Evolution of the Unemployed

Before the advent of the sciences, mankind was subject to a variety of “myths” and “stories” about where we originated. I use quotations for those words because I understand that a lot of us believe those origin stories despite the rebuttals offered by science. But all that aside, before biology was conceived, the greater part of humanity believed we were either created from dirt, water or fire. Those theories were later diluted into us being the descendants of terribly behaved gardeners or the pets of a giant deity that let us play with fire. The truth is, we still don’t have definitive answers on any of that at the moment, but that didn’t stop some know-it-all human from forcing his own theories into the minds of our children future generations.

In the year 1831, Mr. Science himself, Charles Darwin, decided to take a voyage around the world in a dirty pirate naval ship, known as the HMS Beagle, to experience the splendor of all God’s creation. He wanted to witness the power of the Almighty first hand. He wanted to venture to lands never seen by human eyes. And when he finally reached the triumphant display of omnipotent natural power spread out before his eyes in the Galápagos Islands, he shrugged.

But the story gets interesting when his findings lead to the idea of evolution. Birds didn’t just popped out of eggs anymore. Dinosaurs or larger reptilian birds first had to mutate through centuries of breeding which lead to birds. Monkeys didn’t just sprout out of coconuts like we all knew to be true, now they were the branching descendants of a common ancestor they shared with gorillas.

And the story didn’t end there. They needed to explain where these ancestors went, so the idea of natural selection was conceived. Survival of the fittest meant that weaker races of animals died out, making room for their mutant babies to thrive.

And that all culminated to the great event known as The State of Tennessee vs John Thomas Scopes. It was the trial that lead to the teaching of evolution and natural selection in public schools. It’s where Darwin’s meddling began to affect our lives. Thank you Charles! Thank you for wasting nearly two centuries of society on this because you know what? As big as the fight was to get us here, humanity doesn’t even want evolution or natural selection to be a thing.

Consider the creation of medicine. We no longer rely solely on our own immune systems to make us stronger in the presence of germs. We’ve created designer fruits and veggies that can repel pests guaranteeing full harvests every year. We’ve genetically modified chicken and cows to make them yield more meat. We’ve altered so much that we have organs in our bodies that we don’t even use anymore, let alone know what they were intended for.

Natural selection doesn’t exist for us. We’ve stunted our own natural evolution. We don’t use our anatomy for much more than attracting a mate. What the hell are eyebrows even for? We have them, so they must have served a purpose at one time. Perhaps their job was to gently reroute the putrid liquid excreted through our sweat glands so that it didn’t pour into our eyes. Well oops, I just tweezed away my first line of defense from scalp poison sweat to impress my damn wife. I literally have a whole beard and I don’t even know what it was made for.

Charles Darwin has absolutely ruined us. And you all just let him do it. For the record, he kidnapped an innocent turtle from those islands during his voyage. It just died a few years ago…in captivity…far, far away from its family. You think about that every time you try and explain why a giraffe has that long ass neck and tiny alien horns. You make me sick.

I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them. — Charles Darwin

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