NSFW (Nice Stuff for Wanking)

I think a few of my coworkers have started a sex cult, without me. Admittedly, most of my thoughts are based on pure conjecture and possibly, misplaced jealousy for my lack of inclusion, but the thoughts still have merit. I haven’t actually witnessed any tier three rumpus activity occurring, but the innuendo is constantly on display. Allow me to elaborate.

First, I’ve noticed that small cliques have formed, consisting of individuals that I wouldn’t normally expect to be together. It’s a veritable cornucopia of diversity and deviance. It’s a melting pot…of sex. There’s a reverse harem within the flock—one woman with a gaggle of men around her at all times. She’s a thin legged gremlin with early signs of male patterned baldness, while her “boy toy” chest consists of a mixture of ex-jocks, androgynous pretty boys (possibly futanari), and a typical flirt. Normally, I wouldn’t think too much about the group, but I’ve seen some questionable happenings surrounding them. I’ve witnessed the woman spoon feed her table scraps to the pretty boy, while the jock tickled her arm as the flirt watched in horny anticipation. It seems like a fetish group that I haven’t quite deciphered. I bet the sex is stank though. That’s something I can guarantee.

I’ve also been made aware of a group of men that I’ve dubbed, the starfish brigade. The group is kind of amusing. The leader is a college age male that openly talks about his sexual prowess using the most colorful descriptions. I’ve literally heard him talking about “banana’ing some tail bone” over the weekend. His flunkies follow suit. They come off as the type of group that sits in a steam bath together telling jokes, before removing their towels to dry the sweat from each other while saying “no homo,” repeatedly possibly while chewing on each other’s penises. I’m quite sure they could identify each other’s starfish in a police line up if necessary.

Finally we have a group of older women that I’ve dubbed “the pursed lips,” for a number of reasons. They’re your typical golden girl group, with a dash of “porn mouth” sprinkled over it like “jizzy” brown sugar. Between the three of them, I’ve learned that there is an array of eleven dildos, six different sex partners, a library of Kama sutra knowledge, and a collection of dick pics in their phones that potentially amount to a number I probably can’t spell.

I’m willing to bet that at any given time, all sorts of wild fantasies are being fulfilled throughout my job. A little kiss the frog over there, a bit of Turkish gas masking over here, a whole bunch of New Jersey soufflé’ing happening all about—it’s all crazy and extremely interesting. But it sucks too! Nobody ever invites me to shit!!!

13 comments

  1. No need to be invited when you’re the puppet master controlling all of the comings and goings. All bend the knee before Jae the Great, Leader of the Hogwarts of Middle Earth and receive your daily spanking!

    Like

    • Not gonna lie…if I was a master of a whole sex cult:..I’d sit upon that sticky throne with pride. The arm rests would be so damn sticky. I’d have two women sitting on them like sexy gargoyles until I return to sit…lol. I’m so nasty.

      Like

  2. Wow! The fact that you can conjured up this entire sexual group experience between the coworkers groups is hilarious! Of course the play on words makes for a nice colorful read! And I’m with you, why ain’t nobody shoot you the invite, like you don’t like the same shit hahaha! I am interested to see what that group of boys would do to that itty bitty little young thing! I’m not interesting in smelling it though
    You’ve convinced me, sho nuff
    It’ll stank hahaha
    Thanks for this, now I have something to keep my dreams interesting
    Nicely done my dude, nicely done!

    Like

    • First, I don’t know how to take it that you want to know what the boys would do to my “young thing.” That’s terrible. But second, I’m glad you enjoyed the blog…sicko.

      Like

  3. “The Pursed Lips” is in its absoluteness, a hilarious ode to those elderly women. The way you gather and place words and phrases amazes me still. The synonymous use of the word “starfish” in place of “penis” is very clever yet I can see how it applies. One of my favorite words used in this post is futanari to describe androgyny. That reverse harem sounds though…spoon-feeding can also be symbolic for giving life…she giving them grown men life…lol Please continue with these posts. I enjoy getting your post notifications! I secretly (secret now revealed) envy your way to create, execute and maintain tales and fables in these blog posts. Most of all I am in wait of your first book whereas I’ll be the first in line for your signature on the title page.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s