Cannibalism is okay, I guess!!!

Now before you start throwing your phones and clearing your browser history if all things TTR, I ask that you, at least, hear me out. I’m not saying that I’ve personally developed a taste for human flesh. I haven’t ever considered what a bacon double cheese human would pair best with. Im not even saying that cannibalism is good. I’m not announcing my position on the morality of the situation. I’m looking at it from a more practical standpoint—as an untapped resource.

Just think about this for a second. What do we currently do with our dead? We spend tens of thousands of dollars supplying their chemical filled corpse with comforts beyond what most of us on the living side are accustomed to. I personally have never had the luxury of laying on satin sheets, layered on top of down feathered pillows, all lined in a beautifully ornate polished metal carriage. That’s never been my experience. Perhaps I need to get out more? However, that “dead bed” ran roughly $8000, which is practically first class accommodations when compared to the hand-me-down, pine wood frame and memory foam mattress my spine contorts on every night. (My life might actually be trash.) But to top it all off, that work hotel of a relative also gets a beautiful ceremony that they don’t get to participate in, and a ride in a Cadillac that they can’t enjoy. Why is that?

We do these things as some semblance of a final send off to the great unknown. We encase them in a gilded box, while a robed sorcerer cast enchantments over them, before they are inevitably dropped seventy two inches below the ground, where none of their beautiful ornaments will ever be seen again. We waste not only money, but valuable resources in the the form of the casket, clothing, and time.

The most efficient way to send the dead off, is as food—sustenance for the surviving! Most of you are probably slowly moving towards the address bar to go to another site, but for the three people that are staying, please continue to hear me out. Hunger is the leading cause of death, killing more than HIV/AIDs, malaria, and tuberculosis, combined, according to the website, DoSomething.org. It’s a major threat to humanity, but it doesn’t have to be. If we allowed our dead to be consumed as meat, we’d actually be fixing a lot of different societal issues.

“Long pig,” the “proper” name for human meat, would actually be rather cheap. It’s readily available. In 2013, 274 people died of natural causes every hour. If you average the weight of those people to be around 200lbs, that would mean about 115lbs of their bodies was consumable, by my personal estimation. That’s roughly 31,500lbs of meat, per hour, that went uneaten. If television infomercials can say that a dollar donation every day can feed an entire family, 756,000lbs of meat per day could probably feed a couple of countries. And yet, we bury that meat and mark it with a thousand dollar stone ornament that eventually erodes and becomes unrecognizable years after we stop visiting it. We waste it.

Cannibalism just makes sense! All that sweet buttery protein just gets buried in a box, when we could all be enjoying such dishes as, ‘aunt soup,’ ‘granny back ribs,’ ‘pork and beans and uncle,’ and my personal favorite, ‘random person-kabobs.’ The food network would make a killing. That may be a terribly placed pun, but that’s also economic stimulation at its finest!

Just consider the amount of money you spend on barbecue, when you could be breaking a “fiver” and dining on “barbe-sue,” instead. One day the world will see these benefits. Until then, I guess it will just remain an unpopular opinion. Enjoy your chicken, tonight. Ugh, that’s so “2019.”

“I feel like [person] tonight! Or whatever that old commercial used to say.” — Jae Davis