Welcome back for another addition of Teach Em’ Tuesday’s, the only weekly blog dedicated to shoving something new between the creases of your gray matter and then sealing up the cracks with cold hard facts. I’m your teacher, Mr. Jae, and we’ve got a great read for you today. Today’s lesson is all about eating stuff, you aren’t supposed to ingest!

First up, the booger, the body’s own savory gummy. You’ve probably known someone, most likely a gross, despicable child, that would pick their nose. You’ve probably heard the legends of people that used to consume the nostril corn they found. But did you know that the action actually has nutritional benefits? Boogers are mostly water. Their viscous consistency is caused from the addition of salt and a bit of protein. Those degenerate children that ate them most likely became relatively healthy adults. Boogers form when particles and bacteria enter the nasal passages and become trapped in your mucus lining. But if you find yourself dining on those crispy yellow, green morsels, you would be exposing your body to those amoebae that were trapped in the golden goo! This could actually lead to you building up immunities to certain bacteria that your nose originally tried to block out. That’s right, boogers are actually a healthy diet choice! Grab a knife and fork, blow your nose on the Kleenex, and have a delicious appetizer for free!

After you’ve finished your first course, you can move on to the main dish, poop! Coprophilia is the abnormal interest and pleasure derived from feces and defecation. But why would anyone be interested in that “shit?” Well, poop is essentially a well balanced meal. Poop is about 75% water combined with a blend of protein, fiber, salt, lipids…and a few scattered dead and live bacteria. According to a study done by The Illinois Poison Center, eating poop is only minimally toxic. The most harmful portion of it would come from the intestinal bacteria that were never meant to be in your mouth. You could totally survive by eating one turd a day. That’s recycling at its purest form!

The coup de gras of any three course meal is the dessert. And nothing goes better with boogers and poop than sweet, tender, buttery, long pig! Long pig is the term that’s used for human flesh! It’s been said to have a similar flavor to pork, but with a less salty finish. The consumption of human flesh dates back to before biblical times. One thing that’s interesting though, is that not all cases were frowned upon. Some civilization put people right on the menu, with a large coke (joke).

Well that concludes today’s lesson. I hope you enjoyed all these yummy facts I laid out on your table. Fun facts are always fun to consume. Now finish all your food and go to bed.

“Now I’m a little hungry.” — Jae Davis