Dear Diarrhea,

“Is this the real life, is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.” I heard that somewhere a while ago and it seemed like it would apply to any possible situation it was used in. Since that’s something we can all agree on, there’s no point in dwelling on it.

Anyways. It’s Valentime’s day, the Time of the Valens, and in proper celebration, I’ve consumed quite a lot of adult grape juice and since there’s nobody around to fight, why not write instead. For full disclosure, I’m floating pretty smoothly above my iPad while writing this right now, so brace your ass.

I was curious to see if the consumption of champagne and the like would affect my writing. So consider this post as an experiment.

Today I was reintroduced to the world of government agents. Since the beginning of January I have been promoted to run a clandestine team of the highest caliber to…well…let’s just say…make things disappear. I haven’t been around the lower agents in over a month. My team, the Prime Defenestration Offense Team (PDO), has been performing accolades like most people couldn’t believe, especially those of the Ineffectively Enforced Tactics Team (IET). My guys are pretty great. However, IET found themselves several agents short today, so I offered my abilities to aid them.

I was met by Divisional Agent Jessica Mitchell for my briefing. She gave me the SITREP as soon as I touched down on the scene. I found her explanation expectedly ineffective so I proactively mushed her and proceeded to the battlefield alone. For those that are unfamiliar with the high ranking combat maneuver known as the “mush,” it is a full contact take down tactic requiring only the aggressors open palm and the forehead of their intended target. The aggressor leans in to push deeply into the upper level of the target’s forehead and proceeds to push said target onto the floor in order to step over their pointless body.

I reached the theater at around 1300 and immediately took command from the inept leaders on the scene. Before either of them could offer alternatives to the inevitable, I slapped both of them. I believe one of them died…but the stomping that followed both hindered their movement and resuscitated them. That’s also a high ranking combat maneuver.

The mission was completed in record time. I lit up a comically large, paper bag wrapped cigarette in subtle celebration, which attracted “betties” of the local variety. I regaled them with how easily I bested the 150 opponents…and as expected….they ate up every detail while inhaling the large grey cloud of aether I exhaled unto their faces. One even offered me detailed information about another nearby target, that booty. But I politely declined and headed to my intended LZ. Unfortunately most of the details regarding my full part in the mission, have been redacted to ensure plausible deniability in the case of future campaigns, but I believe this summarized detail is sufficient for getting the gist of the mission’s ins and outs.

Overall, the main mission was a complete and utter success and I was able to return home with precious stones and expensive spirits. I’m sure my services will be requested again, but until then, I should be back to my primary mission by tomorrow.

I feel like this is going to read pretty good when the bubbles stop popping around my head. Next time we can try something besides alcohol. Crackahol, maybe?

Disclaimer : This is a post about real events. However names are fake as hell. The description of all events and incidents are slightly altered by the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events should be considered purposeful and hilarious as fuck.